Finally went back to work today after my dad's episode of last week.  Dad is still in the hospital and still in really serious shape.  I wonder if he will come home....From what the doctor said yesterday, I really don't think so.

I am hoping this web journal will prove to be therepeutic in some manner.  I feel like I can't add to my family's grief and worry by expressing what I am feeling to them.  Perhaps typing it here will help me to release some of the tension and pent up emotion.....I hope so - sharing my emotions isn't something that comes easy for me.....

Cancer really sucks.  I know that is a real "duh" and not an original thought at all - but it really devastates your entire family. Every time I leave my dad's room and kiss him goodbye....I wonder if it is for the last time. He just keeps getting weaker and sicker every singel day.  It is so heartbreaking and I know he must be afraid....I can't imagine lying there knowing that you are dying......I sat in the floor in Dad's room yesterday and just watched him.  It broke my heart.  I held it together so that mom and dad wouldn't see me cry, and on the way home tried to comfort Aunt Polly,  but as soon as I got home to Ross - I just broke.  I cried and cried and cried.  Now I just feel numb, but I know the tears are just under the surface....

I worry so much about my Mom and my Dad's mom.  I can't imagine losing your spouse or child..... My mom won't leave dad for even a few minutes.  She is so strong - she amazes me.  It's so hard to watch my folks struggling with losing one another.....They are so very close...

There is so much going on right now - trying to be there for my parents, trying to work, maintain my health, help my sister to keep my parents business above water, caring for my grandmother, great grandmother and great aunt and uncle.......I know everyone is overwhelmed....

I really don't expect anyone to read this - I can't imagine why it would interest them, but maybe it can be a tool to help me cope.....Here's crossing fingers......

 

 

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